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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

How To Get Unfriended By A Guy In Ten Days

Facebook. Suits me down to the ground usually. Communicating with people without having to conform to the social norms of speaking to their face? YES PLEASE.
However, like all good things in my life (Jersey Shore, potato salad & alcohol) it is not without its fundamental flaws.
After the initial buzz of setting up my profile I went on a rampage of accepting friend requests willy nilly. And now I find myself in a vortex of online etiquette. I don't want to be FRIENDS with these eejits anymore. But deleting people off Facebook these days is like the equivalent of setting their dog on fire. What's a girl to do?

Why, take the completely cowardly route of course, and be the most annoying Facebook friend there ever was until all the excess friends delete me and I'm left with only my true amigos.
And here's how I plan on doing it:

The Saucy Cow's Guide to Being the Worst Facebook Friend There Ever Was

1. In a relationship? EXCELLENT. You are now equipped with the necessary ammunition to make everyone want to instantly delete you. Don't worry about the validity or significance of your relationship, that's irrelevant. The most important thing to you now is to ensure that EVERYONE is acutely aware of not only the fact that you're together, but also every morsel of your sex and private life. 
Why bother phoning, texting, or god forbid spending physical time with one another when you can share trivial exchanges over everyones newsfeed? Why not enrich your friends with H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S tête-à-tête between the two of you where you both make fun of each other for seemingly hours on end. Not only is this not one bit funny, it's extremely irritating on the grounds that it makes the two of you seem like you're different  to other couples, because you have the amazing capacity to make fun of each other. HOW QUIRKY ARE YOU! Don't forget the over-use of nicknames. Using normal birth names isn't going to annoy anyone. Some classics include referring to each other as ''the boyf/girlf'', ''the wifey'', ''the babe'' etc.The best nicknames however, are the ones which are thinly veiled references to the both of your antics in the bedroom. Anything that forces the mental image of you two having sex into the unsuspecting minds of your friends is a surefire success in the quest to get deleted. To best ensure everyone knows exactly who you're referring to, (your boyf, that is) why not take some disturbing pictures of the two of you getting off with one another and post them under the disconcerting caption of 'awww :)'. For maximum mental scarring, why not have a willing friend take them, so that you can use both arms? Don't forget plenty of smilies, x's and mega vomit-inducing hearts. For best results, just post one, solitary pointless heart to each other every few hours.

2. Not in a relationship? Don't worry. There are many singletons out there who manage to be just as infuriating as self obsessed couples. Use Facebook as your own person Firstly, advertise yourself. Go into the bathroom in your underwear and take loads of pictures of yourself. Act like having a camera in the bathroom at all times is totally normal and not creepy at all. Photoshop the shit out of them until you look like your own very distant attractive cousin. Then post all over Facebook and complain about how you look. The key with these is quantity, not quality so make sure you have dozens of almost identical pictures. There are a lot of these on FB at the moment so try and mix it up. Pose with the family pet or your gran, while in a bikini. Now, make them your profile picture and comment on the profiles of lots and lots of men who already have girlfriends/wifes. If confronted by the respective other halves, simply advise them not to hate you cos they aint you.  

3. As Shakespeare said, 'all the world is a stage.' This includes Facebook, so DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. Try generic whinging statuses, like 'Life is so tough 2day' 'Jst wish I cud turn bac d clock :'(' 'Y is it dat u dnt realise what u got till its gone?'. For inspiration, reference a Westlife songbook. When someone expresses concern just reply with a :( to really aggravate everyone. 

4. Join every group on facebook.

5. Post virals 5 months too late on your wall with the comment LMFAOOO!!!

6. Update your whereabouts with a vigorousness that would rival MI5. This includes checking into the bedroom, the toilet, and most importantly, NANDOS.

7. Become a raging alcoholic so you're never short of material for your post night-out self glorifying status. Never underestimate the power of taking things out of context and referencing things at random. Eg 'What a nite!!!!...wild! 3 randomers showin up & a horse! spent d nite in a shed too lol'. This will make it seem like you had a wild time, who's to know you're talking about the nativity play you went to see your little sister in? Don't forget to post a status before you go out, during, and after. Each pre status must say ''things are gonna get messyy!!!!'' or something to that effect, each status during must include lots of spelling mistakes and each one after must mention how you will never consume alcohol again, UNTIL TONIGHT LOLZ. Over use punctuation.

8. Bring a camera absolutely everywhere and ensure that you only upload and tag the pictures where you look amazing and your friends look like the back of a horse's arse. Tag these at a time like 6am, when they will have the maximum time online before your mortified friends can hurriedly untag themselves. If they do this, make sure you make one your profile picture.

9. Keep participating in games where you use a fruit as your status to describe what a slut you are (The Saucy a pineapple ;) ) under the ridiculous guise of it somehow generating funds for cancer research.

10. Like your own status. 


  1. hahaa this is soo funny! i especially love the bit about the checking in at nandos hahaaha why does everybody do that for crying out loud! there was another post of yours i remember reading a few months back about facebook and that was halarious too. really funny x

  2. Hilarious. And dead on. The single heart especially kills me.

    I would offer up this:
    Lift a song lyric that is either utterly depressing or joyously happy, wait until 12 people comment, "Wuz wrong, hun? xo", or "OMG what happened?!", then inform them that "it's just a song lyric lol. i heart [insert name of obscure indie band who you just learned about yesterday]."

  3. Hahaha I know EXACTLY what you mean!! God 80% of the stuff on facebook just seems o annoy me!


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